“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” I have always
enjoyed this quote, but I never experienced it until this summer when I worked
as a camp counselor. I had no idea what I was getting into, but this summer I
was dragged headfirst out of my comfort zone. This summer, I felt life begin.
In the
beginning, I had no idea what to expect from this job. I thought I would learn
to be more patient, as well as gain practical experience in working with
children. While both of these things did happen, my life was also changed in
many unexpected ways. I could write a googolplex of blog posts on things I
learned at camp, but I will write just one for now on one of the most important
lessons I learned: what it means to be fearless.
I have
never considered myself a fearless person. In fact, my list of fears was quite
long and almost humorously incompatible with camp life. I was afraid of bugs, deep water, drowning,
singing for others (especially into microphones), and so on. I never realized
how chained I was by my fears until I faced them. I am not sure why I never faced
them before, but after pushing me headfirst into this summer adventure, God
revealed to me that it was time. He revealed that it was time for me to face my
fears and He did so through the community I was immersed in, especially through
the children. The children I worked with live their lives fearlessly. They face
many difficult challenges, but they always get back up, even when they are
afraid of falling again. I was in awe of their bravery and the beautiful joy
and determination that seemed to just pour out of their hearts. I was blessed
to see them accomplish many little miracles, accomplishments driven greatly by
their perseverance and belief in themselves. God also worked through the staff,
which was filled with beautiful souls. There was a girl who smiled and glowed
with faith, despite all her challenges and uphill climb through life. There was
a boy who seemed to just take life as it came, living each moment to the
fullest. There were many that built a loving community that I was so blessed to
be a part of and to be able to grow in. Through this loving community, God gave
me the strength to face my fears little by little. With every fear I faced, no
matter how ridiculous the fear may have seemed, I felt more and more exhilarated
and free each time. I felt it when I sang confidently into a microphone for the
first time. I felt it as I paddled a kayak and as I jumped off the break wall.
I even felt it as I honed my bug-killing ninja skills. The most exhilarating moment,
however, came from when I faced a fear I did not realize I even had: unbounded
love.
For a long time, I have been cautious with my
love. I had my barriers and limits, and never allowed myself to love someone
fully or allowed anyone else to love me fully. Part of it, the Lord revealed to
me, came from not reconciling with the past. There was a young man that I had
dated, and our relationship was not one of love. It was very dark and twisted,
and he was very troubled. After I escaped this toxic relationship, I hid the
wounds and pushed them as far from my mind and my heart as I could. The thing
with wounds, however, is that they will not heal if they are left untreated,
and they can also cause infection. I carried this brokenness for over a year,
and told no one. At times, I realized that my ability to love was hindered and even infected, but
I always dismissed it. Looking back, I think the reason I hid it was because I
was afraid. I was afraid to look at how bad the wound actually was, and was
even more afraid about what I would have to do to heal it. I was also afraid if
I sought the aid of others, they would use this relationship to define me in
some way. By refusing to acknowledge it, however, it did end up defining me. It
defined how I approached love, and what boundaries I had. This summer though,
all of those boundaries and barriers came crashing down because of four little
girls. I was so blessed to have them as my campers, and they loved me without hesitation.
Despite this, I still kept myself at a distance. I will never forget that moment when I was
laying in my bed in the cabin while the girls were sleeping. I remember being
upset because these beautiful little girls were giving me their full love, and
I was not accepting it and in turn giving them my full love. Just like I always
had, I had set up boundaries and limits. While that had been fine and dandy for
other relationships in my life, it was not for my relationship with these four
girls. These girls were like my own children, and they deserved all of my love.
I wanted to give them all of my love too, but I felt like something was holding
me back. As I lay there, it felt like a boulder was pressing on my chest harder
and harder. At that moment, however, I decided I was not going to let the past
hurt me anymore. With that, I felt the weight lifted and my journey towards
healing began.
This summer, life began for me. I
still have fears, but that does not mean I cannot be fearless. To be fearless
is not to be without fear, but rather to allow fear to have LESS control over
your heart and what you do with your life. God has some pretty fantastic adventures planned for all of us, as
well as the beautiful gift of healing that He always seeks to give. The only
way standing in the way of this exhilarating happiness is ourselves when we let
fear get the best of us. I encourage all
of you to discern that place you are afraid to heal, and to bring it to God. I
also encourage all of you to find your fears and to face them. A priest at my home parish closed his parish
letter with this beautiful statement, and I think it is pretty fitting to close this blog post with it as well:
"If we are serious about following Christ, we will remain conscious of the brevity of this life, not so as to live in fear, but rather to live every day in humble gratitude for the new day we are given and in the joyful anticipation of the life that is to come"
Life is short. Live it fearlessly.
Keep facing those fears!
Your Sister In Christ,
Dani
