Meaning of Memory

Memory has always fascinated me. They are what fill the pages in the life that God has given us. They are such an integral part of us, and there complexity amazes me. Why do we remember certain things better than others? Why does our perspective on some memories change? Why do certain memories resurface? Most importantly, what does God use memory for? While I cannot give a definite answer, I can share the meaning that memory has for me. So here are my musings on memory that came to me during Adoration.

                For starters, I think some things stick more than others because they impact us on a deeper level, even if the event itself seems insignificant. An example that comes to my mind is the time when my sister and I were at a medieval diner show and she knocked over my potato, sending it into a graceful tumble down the stairs. We both laughed so hard, and I still laugh when I remember it (I am trying really hard to contain my laughter now as I write this). It really was not that funny, but because I experienced such a great joy with my sister, I remember it. I have wondered if this event was a building block in my relationship with my sister, since I later experienced great joy with her again after seeing her kneel before the Blessed Sacrament and pray for the first time. When I saw this, I was so overwhelmed with joy that I almost cried. This joy was much deeper, and our relationship was deepened after that because God had become more central between me and my sister.

                While there are many good memories that I remember vividly, there are others that I almost wish I could forget. I forget for a while, but then they resurface and I would find myself confused and wondering why I am thinking about that memory. This used to upset me a lot, but now I have gotten to a point in which I perceive the resurfacing God’s way of telling me I still need to do something about a certain situation. It is like when you are cleaning your room and you shove things under the bed. Does the room look clean? Yes! Is it really clean? Nope. I believe the same goes for memories. Sometimes, they are a mess we really do not want to deal with.  When we face them, however, that is how we find our way to the healing process. I found this one out in a recent case of forgiveness. I talked about this a little bit two posts ago (convenient hyperlink here). After being in a very dark relationship, I did not want to remember it. The memories, however, would still creep in and usually sent me into an upset and panicky state. After being silent for so long, I finally sought out the advice of a priest. Once I did this, I was able to begin the healing of memories as well as forgive him. While I initially messaged him my forgiveness, God gave me the opportunity to do so in person, which I did. Since then, I haven’t had that panicky state resurface. For me, I felt like God brought that memory back so I could grow in faith and thus as a person from it. I learned a very important lesson about forgiveness in all of this. It was very painful and really hurt to remember these things at first, but ultimately it brought me a greater peace that I would not have achieved by running away from the memory.

                Recently, I have found my perspective on memories changing. In particular, I began seeing another former relationship in a different light.  I dated this boy at a vulnerable time in my life (after my grandfather’s death) and thought he was perfect for me, even though he was nothing on my list that I had not yet formally written (convenient hyperlink #2 here). He and I connected on a lot of emotional levels, but then one day he just left. He told me he needed space, so we went our separate ways for a month. When we tried to make things work afterwards, it just fell apart. For the longest time, I ran things over in my head wondering what I did wrong, or what was wrong with me. The only reason he gave me was that stuff happens. I still do not know the real reason he left, but that is okay. I had pushed him out of memory, and similar to before, he came in and it hurt. After a while, I realized that I needed to reevaluate the relationship. There was nothing wrong with me, we were just not meant to be together. If he had been, we would be. The most alarming thing I realized was that my perspective of myself had changed. By constantly trying to fix something I thought was wrong with me, I had forgotten my identity as a child of God. God made me the way He wants me, and the growth that He wants will come from Him, not from some boy. Looking back on that boy now, I realize I made him into who I wanted him to be, not necessarily who he was. I tried to fill a void after my grandfather’s death with my relationship with him, rather than with God’s beautiful love and mercy. I probably will never know why the boy left, but I believe God had me remember that relationship for as long as I did to not only see that he was the wrong boy, but also WHY he was wrong for me. In addition to that, I had to see that just because my relationship with this boy failed did not mean there was anything wrong with me. This memory was very painful to remember and hard to think about, but I am glad God allowed it to resurface. The resurfacing allowed me to change my perspective into a much healthier one, both on the boy, the relationship, and myself.

                Memories make up our history. We may not always like them, and sometimes we would rather skip over them. They are, however, chapters in this life that God has given us. At the time they are being written, we may not understand why things are happening. Sometimes, we have to go back and reread, even if it hurts us to do so. Ultimately, that is my meaning for memory. Memory is the opportunity God gives us to learn and grow as His children. Do not be afraid of memories. Yes, sometimes they do hurt, but there is a deep and beautiful strength that comes after trials.

Keep making memories!

Your Sister In Christ,

Dani