Meaning of Memory

Memory has always fascinated me. They are what fill the pages in the life that God has given us. They are such an integral part of us, and there complexity amazes me. Why do we remember certain things better than others? Why does our perspective on some memories change? Why do certain memories resurface? Most importantly, what does God use memory for? While I cannot give a definite answer, I can share the meaning that memory has for me. So here are my musings on memory that came to me during Adoration.

                For starters, I think some things stick more than others because they impact us on a deeper level, even if the event itself seems insignificant. An example that comes to my mind is the time when my sister and I were at a medieval diner show and she knocked over my potato, sending it into a graceful tumble down the stairs. We both laughed so hard, and I still laugh when I remember it (I am trying really hard to contain my laughter now as I write this). It really was not that funny, but because I experienced such a great joy with my sister, I remember it. I have wondered if this event was a building block in my relationship with my sister, since I later experienced great joy with her again after seeing her kneel before the Blessed Sacrament and pray for the first time. When I saw this, I was so overwhelmed with joy that I almost cried. This joy was much deeper, and our relationship was deepened after that because God had become more central between me and my sister.

                While there are many good memories that I remember vividly, there are others that I almost wish I could forget. I forget for a while, but then they resurface and I would find myself confused and wondering why I am thinking about that memory. This used to upset me a lot, but now I have gotten to a point in which I perceive the resurfacing God’s way of telling me I still need to do something about a certain situation. It is like when you are cleaning your room and you shove things under the bed. Does the room look clean? Yes! Is it really clean? Nope. I believe the same goes for memories. Sometimes, they are a mess we really do not want to deal with.  When we face them, however, that is how we find our way to the healing process. I found this one out in a recent case of forgiveness. I talked about this a little bit two posts ago (convenient hyperlink here). After being in a very dark relationship, I did not want to remember it. The memories, however, would still creep in and usually sent me into an upset and panicky state. After being silent for so long, I finally sought out the advice of a priest. Once I did this, I was able to begin the healing of memories as well as forgive him. While I initially messaged him my forgiveness, God gave me the opportunity to do so in person, which I did. Since then, I haven’t had that panicky state resurface. For me, I felt like God brought that memory back so I could grow in faith and thus as a person from it. I learned a very important lesson about forgiveness in all of this. It was very painful and really hurt to remember these things at first, but ultimately it brought me a greater peace that I would not have achieved by running away from the memory.

                Recently, I have found my perspective on memories changing. In particular, I began seeing another former relationship in a different light.  I dated this boy at a vulnerable time in my life (after my grandfather’s death) and thought he was perfect for me, even though he was nothing on my list that I had not yet formally written (convenient hyperlink #2 here). He and I connected on a lot of emotional levels, but then one day he just left. He told me he needed space, so we went our separate ways for a month. When we tried to make things work afterwards, it just fell apart. For the longest time, I ran things over in my head wondering what I did wrong, or what was wrong with me. The only reason he gave me was that stuff happens. I still do not know the real reason he left, but that is okay. I had pushed him out of memory, and similar to before, he came in and it hurt. After a while, I realized that I needed to reevaluate the relationship. There was nothing wrong with me, we were just not meant to be together. If he had been, we would be. The most alarming thing I realized was that my perspective of myself had changed. By constantly trying to fix something I thought was wrong with me, I had forgotten my identity as a child of God. God made me the way He wants me, and the growth that He wants will come from Him, not from some boy. Looking back on that boy now, I realize I made him into who I wanted him to be, not necessarily who he was. I tried to fill a void after my grandfather’s death with my relationship with him, rather than with God’s beautiful love and mercy. I probably will never know why the boy left, but I believe God had me remember that relationship for as long as I did to not only see that he was the wrong boy, but also WHY he was wrong for me. In addition to that, I had to see that just because my relationship with this boy failed did not mean there was anything wrong with me. This memory was very painful to remember and hard to think about, but I am glad God allowed it to resurface. The resurfacing allowed me to change my perspective into a much healthier one, both on the boy, the relationship, and myself.

                Memories make up our history. We may not always like them, and sometimes we would rather skip over them. They are, however, chapters in this life that God has given us. At the time they are being written, we may not understand why things are happening. Sometimes, we have to go back and reread, even if it hurts us to do so. Ultimately, that is my meaning for memory. Memory is the opportunity God gives us to learn and grow as His children. Do not be afraid of memories. Yes, sometimes they do hurt, but there is a deep and beautiful strength that comes after trials.

Keep making memories!

Your Sister In Christ,

Dani

I Will Wait

      I would like to open this blog post by stating that my best friend’s Pinterest obsession has reached a new and somewhat alarming level. She not only has her wedding planned down to the last flower petal, but has also begun planning mine. While she did find me the perfect wedding dress, I am not ready to get married. While I do consider myself too young to get married, I do not consider myself too young to be discerning marriage. Arguably, one could say I began my at the time aimless discernment when I had my first boyfriend at fourteen. After years of awkward first dates and the occasional heartbreak, I have finally refined my discernment process, making it (hopefully) easier to find my future spouse. From the time I began dating, I knew that it was for the sole purpose of marriage and finding a future spouse. Now this did not mean I would necessarily marry them after the first date, but if I could see even the slightest potential of marriage a long way down the road, then I saw the relationship worth continuing. Why would you date someone that you could not imagine yourself marrying? While I had the basics down, I was missing a very key point up until the beginning of this past summer. With every relationship, I had found myself thinking “I would marry him someday if he______”. Without realizing it, I was making exceptions to my standards and banking on the hope that the guy would change. While there is always the possibility that the guy could, there is perhaps an even greater chance that they won’t. More often than not, the thing I desired to change was their faith. I have dated an atheist, various denominations of Christianity, and a Muslim. While they were all great guys, deep down I always wished they were practicing Catholic so we could connect on that level. Due to this, all of these relationships ended with heartbreak on either or both sides. It was not only unfair to the guys, but I was unfair to myself as well. It was unfair to them because I did not love them for who they are, but who I wanted them to be. It was unfair to me because I was settling into relationships that lacked the level and the type of connection that I needed.

At the beginning of the summer, something finally clicked. My friend told me about this woman who made a list of everything she had to have in a future spouse, and refused to continue dating anyone who did not fit the list. Call her crazy, but that woman is now crazy in love with her husband, who fits everything on that list. I thought this was somewhat crazy, but really cool, so I made a list of my own. I made one column of qualities I had to have, such as practicing Catholic. The other column contains qualities that would be nice to have, such as musically nerdy (not a deal breaker, but nice). While I have always kind of sort of had this list in my head, I only kind of sort of followed it until I wrote it down. When I wrote it out, it made it seem more permanent, almost like a contract with myself. This made it more difficult to make exceptions to my standards because they were on the paper in black ink, rather than in my mind. This list has worked well so far, because I no longer feel like I am wandering aimlessly in (and out) of relationships. At first I was a little worried that this list idea was too crazy and that it would be impossible to find a guy that met the list. God, however, showed me that there are guys in my life that fit my list. I am not dating any of them at the moment, but who knows where discernment will take me. I am super excited for that moment of discernment when it just clicks for both me and my future spouse that God is calling us to each other. I find it exciting that we could know each other already, but just have not fully discerned yet.  I am looking forward to the love that God has planned for me, because if it is God’s will it will last. God made us from love and made us to love, and His love for us is limitless. While we cannot love as much as God loves, I do believe He can call us to a love that is not limited by human constraints such as distance and time. It is like how one of my favorite sayings goes, “God will make a way when there seems to be no way”. I believe that if God is calling you to a certain person, than He will always offer a way for this love to happen, regardless of distance and time. My future spouse may be across the country (or the world!) but that does not mean he is not who God calls me to. Again, while I feel too young to partake in the sacrament of matrimony, I am not too young to discern who he is. I think discernment is a long process, one that occurs both before and while dating someone, but I believe it can occur at any age. Overall, while the constraints of distance and time may impact WHEN the sacrament of marriage occurs, it does not impact WHO the sacrament is partaken with necessarily.

The reason I gave this post this title is because of the song “I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons. Whenever I hear that song, I think of my future spouse. I would like to break down a few lines for you to explain why:

“I’ll kneel down”

Prayer is essential in discerning! I would take love is blind to a whole new level (not in a good way) if I did not have the guidance prayer provides.

“Wait for now”

Discernment is a long process, with a lot of waiting involved. In my current case, I am chilling in singlehood and waiting to see where God wants me to go. In the case of being in a relationship, I would wait to see if God was continuously calling me to that person.

“I’ll kneel down” (again)

PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY (need I say more?)

“Know my ground”

Knowing where I stand with my discernment is important. I now know that I need a guy that fits my list, and that I cannot make exceptions anymore, especially on something as important to me as faith.

“I will wait, I will wait for you”

A note to my future spouse if by chance he is reading this or reads this someday:  I do not know who you are yet, but I am looking forward to the love that God has planned has for us and am waiting for the day we reach that discernment :)

I encourage all of you to make a list, or at least begin discerning your relationships. I also encourage all of you to believe and trust in love, it does not have to be limited by anything because with God all things are possible.

Keep waiting!

Your Sister In Christ,

Dani